That is one of the questions that I frequently ask myself.
Since I started my therapy session with my mental health counselor, I discovered a lot of things that I never know of myself. Back then, I was a total mess.
- I didn’t know what I want and I never bother to think about it.
- I always turn down opportunities because I don’t want to embarrass myself.
- I never come out of my comfort zone.
Never have I ever wanted to understand myself ( because I just don’t care, I just want to spend all my time eating, watching drama and doing nothing ).
I have lived like this for years and everything starts to change when I met her, my mental health counselor (Sp). I discovered many existing-yet-not-noticed sides of me in terms of behavior, thought or personality in every session that I attended.
The most significant one is that I realise how easily I get affected by other people’s opinion and reaction towards my action. I can still remember vividly,
One day, I can’t remember the exact date but it’s somewhere on early June, I planned to buy cosmetics at Mid Valley Megamall. I dressed up nicely, just to make myself feel good. Floral long sleeve shirt, half tucked in with only one of the sleeves rolled up, high waisted light blue jeans, lace choker, round toe pumps with ankle strap and a pair of red & white striped socks. I get comments like “your socks don’t go well with your outfit”, “I don’t understand your ootd”, “you look weird wearing like this.” To be honest, I don’t think it’s weird, instead, I love the outfit. That night, I cried.
There are many more incidents which make me realise how vulnerable I am when people throw criticism at me. When I think about it, I realise another norm that is still going on right now.
Do you notice that, when we meet up with our friends/new people, we often start our conversation with “hey, you look slimmer, have you been working out?” “Eh, no offense but I think you become a lil’ chubby now” etc.
I take people’s comment about me too serious sometimes.
I don’t know if you have encountered this, but I have. I hesitate for a few days whether to say yes or to reject when people ask me out (not a date, just a normal outing).
You: ” WHY? Angeline, Why?”
Me: “Because I’m scared that I get judged, I’m sure they will definitely say something about how I look, how’s my outfit and so on. And I’m not sure if I can handle it, I choose to hide, to avoid. This is my way of protecting myself. “
I brought this up to Sp.
We discussed about it.
And recently, I am doing some practices on twisting my thoughts. It really helps me to feel a lot better and that’s why I want to share it to you so we can all get over this together.
Here we go,
>Filter what you receive.
Before you take any criticism/feedback/opinion serious, think about this:
-Ask yourself: Is this person always throw his/her judgement at people? Is he/she doing this out of habit? Does she/he really mean it or it’s just meant to be a joke?
-Ask yourself: Is her feedback credible based on her personal experience/knowledge?
-Let’s take my “outfit incident” as an example. In this case, I should ask myself questions like “Is she the type of person who always keep up herself with fashion knowledge and follow the fashion trend?”. If she is the person who never really dress up and never invest her time on fashion, what’s the point of taking her opinion when she barely knows anything about fashion? You get what I mean?
>Find your value
-Make a list of things that makes you valuable and different from others.
For example, I make videos and I develop my editing skills from there. Even though I am not expert in it, I still have this skill in me which not every person is willing to spend their time learning it. Everyone has their own value as a being, you just need to spend some time to discover it/figure it out. So when you are hurt or feeling unconfident, refer back to your list. “Hey, look, I know you are not good at this, but hey, you have a list of stuff that you know but other people didn’t know. How cool is that?”
>Give more focus on what you feel
-Sometimes, you need to show yourself some love by indulging in the good feeling you have about yourself. Following other people’s comment to shape yourself will eventually make you lose your identity. Do what you feel & think it’s right for you.
> Convert the feedback into your motivation
Destructive feedback, just forget about it.
Here, we are talking about constructive feedback. When you get to choose, deal with it positively. Make it as a source of your motivation to improve yourself / your work into a better one. Cuz, why not?
Back to my question. You judge, so what’s the big deal when you get judged?
My answer is if it’s a big deal to you, judge less.
Cuz you do unto others as you would have them do unto you, this saying exists for a reason.
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Till next time! 🙂 🙂