Omg I just realised I have not updated anything since 6 days ago. Time flies, in just a blink of an eye.
Last week was a tough week, no joke. I had two class tests straight in 2 days and I stayed up almost the whole night for the two tests. When I went back home on Friday, I told myself to sleep just for awhile so I can wake up in the midnight to do my assignment, but whoosh, when I woke up it’s already 9am the next day. And the side effect of 2 sleepless night has gone even worse, I had headache that afternoon, but I couldn’t afford any rest because I really have to finish it cuz both group assignments have to pass up by Monday. And my meal plan all got messed up, srsly. can you imagine having 2 really large meals and 1 proper meal (quite high in calories) in a day and had only 2 meals the next day with my last meal taking at 12pm and I din eat anything after that. If it doesn’t sound terrible to you, lets see if you feel the same after knowing this,
so on Saturday, after hanging out with shoon, I had:
-1 instant noodle cup, 1 Domino pizza slice, I finished one whole tin of sweet potato chips, 1 cup of orange juice, 6 cupcakes.
-In the morning, I had, 10 pieces of wheat crackers, I finished 1 cup of cashew nuts, 1 cup of milo, 1 mango, 1/2 tin of sweet potato chips and 3 slices of Domino pizza, how’s that?
K la, I din really mean to eat that much, I felt bad at my behavior actually whenever I finished all those food. I just had this strong urge to eat whenever I felt worried, anxious, stressed etc ( im still in the midst of working with my psychologist to find out the root cause)
Okay, moving on, content of today’s update will be:
- Hangout session with shoon
So, the week before last week, shoon told in my primary school gang whatsapp group that he’s on holiday right now and are available till june. Then, last week, I decided to reward myself with a few hours of hang out session with other people. When I was scrolling through Twitter, I saw Shoon’s post, then I thought ” eh, it’s been long time that I ve not met him (~1year plus), why not” And i just jio-ed him out la.
We went to Deja woof cafe, which I wanted to go for so long with ooilin but we din make it 😦 omg, finally I got the chance to see Corgiiiiiii ❤ ❤ so much loveeeeeeee. there you go, the photos which I will never post at insta. hahaha. #failed
I was so glad that I made the decision to hang out with Shoon. It was really a stress-relieving session, we talked for hours. I got really excited when we were having the conversation about Youtube videos. OMGGGGG.
Finally I found someone who has the same passion as me. We discussed a little about making youtube videos and YES we decided to have like a random collaboration to make youtube videos before he flies back to Sarawak. and Im really excited about it. OMG OMGOMG.
I cant wait till my exam is overrrrrrrr. Definitely im going to work towards what I want this time.
2. My counselling session with my psychologist.
As usual, I had my weekly counselling session today.
It’s been the fifth session now, and to be honest, I can actually see my improvement, I started to observe and look into my inner thoughts more often. With my daily self-monitoring record, I have been practising to write my thoughts and feelings down so my psychologist can examine and look in depth whats really going on behind my emotions.
With the help of my psychologist, I got to notice about myself which I always neglect or I dont realise.
From binge-ing every day to 3-4 times a week
frequency of purging reduced alot
I dont feel guilty as often as I was back then
I dont really have any serious depressed moment anymore
I still am anti-social at times towards different people, but I still maintain my social life with certain friends and my family.
I tried practising different kind of modification in terms of my diet to improve my binge-ing episode such as trying to have regular meals, trying not to skip meals, having proper meals, having snacks in between, small and frequent meals (5-6 small meals in a day), trying to cut down on the amount of food that I binge gradually, delaying my urge to eat, having hot green tea when I study to calm myself down (my new practice)
Honestly, I felt that I have made the right decision to approach a mental health professional, even after so many years of suffering and keeping the secret to myself. I can feel that Im getting better, being more healthier mentally. If the counselling session doesnt cost that much, I guess I will make this as my regular habit to have weekly counselling session. I felt safe and secured, I can voice out my opinion and thoughts freely without worrying that I will be judged and I know that she will definitely help me out and give me words of encouragement to support me before I give up on myself.
I almost cried during the counselling session today.
Both of us actually realised that Im the kind of person who will have high expectation to my own self and I like having sense of control on most of the thing, i hate it when things got out of control and I will feel uneasy and anxious when things get out of control. it gives me a sense of failure when this happens. So when she said this to me ” I can see that it’s really a tough time for you, it must have been really hard for you having to keep this all to yourself for so many years and keep on having the sense of things getting lost control repeatedly for years” , omg, i couldnt agree more.
Admitting your weaknesses and showing your vulnerable side to someone you know will never judge you is the best thing ever.
Till next time, my dearest loyal reader (s).