I shall talk about how’s my day like for today.
At first it was a good start.
I woke up at around 7am, I worked out abit, by abit i mean less than 30 minutes. I stopped working out for a month now, because im stuck with my binge eating habit, its so bad that my tummy is always full, literally full. Anyways, I can feel the changes, body shape, endurance level, fitness level , everything becomes so bad. You cant imagine how depressing this is, because one month before this, I was getting fitter, my body fat percentage was much lower, I weighed much less than this, my arms are not as fat as they are now, the love handle on me was not as obvious as they are now. it is frustrating to see all these changes , to see all the effort you have put in before this becoming a waste, to see yourself back to square one.
moving on, so after working out, I prepared my meal replacement and straight away I headed to uni to attend meeting. I have no problem at all having to attend meeting early in the morning, but I hate it when there are people acting like they are not apart of the team. Wont you hate this when only you and a few people in the team are doing all the discussion and the rest of them just keep quiet, using their mobile phones like the discussion is none of their business and they will just wait there for the results, eventually what they care is “so which part of the report i should be responsible of, what should i write for that part” and they expect answers from you. wtf. Btw, it took almost 3 hours to end the discussion. omg, legit 3 hours, i nearly Died.
I missed the time i planned for my morning snacks.
here you go, morning snacks, BAMM, watermelon cubes with apple.
Did i mention to you that apples trigger my binge eating habit quite regularly?
I dunno why Im still so gatal, keep on having apples, hoping it wont trigger my urge to eat. So yea, this time, I still cant escape from it, Im feeling anxious at that time , and I dunno why, probably because I was planning to go back to klang after lab session this friday and not going back BJ until my study week ends but I notice i have briefing sessions to attend next monday and thursday. which kinda ruin my desired plan. Not to say anxious, it’s more appropriate to say i feel uneasy. I cant get rid of that feeling, I cant focus on what I should do at that moment, and then I was thinking, hmm maybe i was feeling hungry, I should be fine after i get my lunch and 1 hot drink. So, I had one portion of garden aglio olio, and guess wat, I still have that feeling. Im not good in dealing with negative emotions, I cant tolerate myself being in that state of emotion, it irritates me so much and boom, here goes my first binge-eating period of the day. I had 6 cupcakes and after that I purged.
Back to uni again in the evening for dental appointment.
why is it me? people do root canal therapy, I do root canal therapy, people take only 2-3 sessions, it took me months of appointment. WHY. Since last year Nov/Dec, I have been following up with 2 different dentists for my root canal surgery. I cant even count how much anesthetics injected to my gums, how many dental visits I ve made within these few months, how many xrays i ve got and how many times of pain I ve gone through because of anesthetics injection. I dont even know whats the current condition of my root canal , is it done or not? if it’s done why should I go for follow up again next week? and when can I get crowning for that tooth?
After dental visit, I had big pau aka Da pow. And I immediately regretted it after I finished it. My hand so gatal again, I googled to find out the calories of the Da pow. fuck. i shouldnt googled it. Its fking 600+kcal. Are you kidding me. kk, den i cannot accept it, I dunno why even tho i feel so bad about it, my binge-eating habit reappears again. which is rare, cuz usually it happens at most once in a day.
and I had a coconut flavoured cookie, one snickers protein bar, and 4 cupcakes .fml.
I dont mean to spread any negative vibes to people who are reading this.
but it’s real.
I’m sorry that I din bring inspiration which i should, instead, i’m showing you the broken side of me. do you still love me?
Before ending the post for today, shall we pray together?
Im here to confess that I am now feeling vulnerable, mentally & physically.
I feel so weak, I feel so non-worthy about myself, not being able to have strong self control, to have strong determination, self discipline and self love.
If you hear me, if you are listening to me, share me your wisdom, share me your strong mentality and accompany me to go through my journey, which will be full of obstacles & full of thorns, towards becoming a person which I dream and I sincerely wish to be – a healthy, strong and thoughtful person which brings inspiration to others.