Before this I was thinking to write something about how is my session with Sping,
When im halfway writing, I changed my mind. I want to write about my progression and what I found out along this recovery journey and What I have gone through.
- Recovery journey has many ups and downs, if you are someone having the same problem as me, never expect that if you go and see a mental health professional, you will recover straight away. It is a bit different from your physical sickness where you can recover after taking a few pills for a week. Because now you are dealing with your thoughts and your personal perspective. It is what you think that change your behavior. Behavior is one of the most difficult thing to change in human. That’s why it takes time. Besides, during the recovery journey, you will still have moments where you break down, you doubt your ability to heal, you think its tough, you cant do this, questioning your fate ( why me, why not others). IT IS ABSOLUTELY NORMAL, SO BE MENTALLY PREPARED FOR ALL THESE. For me, even though I understand that it is normal to have those down moments, but sometimes it is really tough for me to get through all the moments. fking hard and tough.
- I dont know about others, but I always have low self esteem issue. It get worse when my eating disorder problem get worse. When my self esteem gets freaking low, I will hide away from crowd, noise annoys me easily, I will skip big events including big family dinner, I will say no when friend asks me out to hang out. I will stop everything Im doing, I will just lay down on my bed or on the sofa, hug a pillow, watch videos or dramas with my mind totally empty. Tears will start to well up and I will cry and cry until I am tired of crying and then I will go to sleep. I take people’s comment on me very seriously, I get sensitive with people’s gesture and face expression. [ohya, this is my second birthday wish btw, to be confident in myself]
- Challenges: Obstacles and down moments are common throughout the recovery journey. What if i tell you thats not the worst moment? The worst moment is when you are feeling extremely down, you dont know who to talk to and you cant tell anyone. Fighting against this problem is a lonely journey. Normal people dont understand what you are going through, because they never feel the same way as you, they cant exactly tell you how painful this is. When they cant completely understand this, they will start to think ” you are just exaggerating this, you can if you want its just mental work” or even worse, judge. You cant tell your parents because you dont want them to worry about you. For me, loneliness is one thing that always upset me and I cried alot of times because of it. I cried alot because when I feel down, I cant tell anyone.
- Progression: I had 1 consultation session and 6 therapy session. To be honest, I do see gradual improvement in me. From binge-ing and purging almost every day >> decreased frequency of purging >> reluctant to purge (decreased thought to purge) >> decreased frequency of binge-ing >> decreased amount of binge-ing.
To be honest, I have no clue how long will i take to recover from this.
No matter how much I wish for someone to share the burden with me, No matter how much I wish to have someone besides my psychologist and parents to talk about my concern and share my insecurities, I wish that I can be stronger and tougher to handle this myself and not to be selfish in the sense that relying on others too much expecting them to understand me and always be by my side.
A piece of advice for every friend of mine,
Meditate for 5 minutes every day to remind yourself how blessed you are to be able to live in this world that is full of love from your friends and family and full of flexibility and creativity which enables you to write your life story.
Till next time. with love 🙂