Journey

Before this I was thinking to write something about how is my session with Sping,

When im halfway writing, I changed my mind. I want to write about my progression and what I found out along this recovery journey and What I have gone through.

  1. Recovery journey has many ups and downs, if you are someone having the same problem as me, never expect that if you go and see a mental health professional, you will recover straight away. It is a bit different from your physical sickness where you can recover after taking a few pills for a week. Because now you are dealing with your thoughts and your personal perspective. It is what you think that change your behavior. Behavior is one of the most difficult thing to change in human. That’s why it takes time. Besides, during the recovery journey, you will still have moments where you break down, you doubt your ability to heal, you think its tough, you cant do this, questioning your fate ( why me, why not others). IT IS ABSOLUTELY NORMAL, SO BE MENTALLY PREPARED FOR ALL THESE. For me, even though I understand that it is normal to have those down moments, but sometimes it is really tough for me to get through all the moments. fking hard and tough.
  2. I dont know about others, but I always have low self esteem issue. It get worse when my eating disorder problem get worse. When my self esteem gets freaking low, I will hide away from crowd, noise annoys me easily, I will skip big events including big family dinner, I will say no when friend asks me out to hang out. I will stop everything Im doing, I will just lay down on my bed or on the sofa, hug a pillow, watch videos or dramas with my mind totally empty. Tears will start to well up and I will cry and cry until I am tired of crying and then I will go to sleep. I take people’s comment on me very seriously, I get sensitive with people’s gesture and face expression. [ohya, this is my second birthday wish btw, to be confident in myself]
  3. Challenges: Obstacles and down moments are common throughout the recovery journey. What if i tell you thats not the worst moment?  The worst moment is when you are feeling extremely down, you dont know who to talk to and you cant tell anyone. Fighting against this problem is a lonely journey. Normal people dont understand what you are going through, because they never feel the same way as you, they cant exactly tell you how painful this is. When they cant completely understand this, they will start to think ” you are just exaggerating this, you can if you want its just mental work” or even worse, judge. You cant tell your parents because you dont want them to worry about you. For me, loneliness is one thing that always upset me and I cried alot of times because of it. I cried alot because when I feel down, I cant tell anyone.
  4. Progression: I had 1 consultation session and 6 therapy session. To be honest, I do see gradual improvement in me. From binge-ing and purging almost every day >> decreased frequency of purging >> reluctant to purge (decreased thought to purge) >> decreased frequency of binge-ing >> decreased amount of binge-ing.

To be honest, I have no clue how long will i take to recover from this.

No matter how much I wish for someone to share the burden with me, No matter how much I wish to have someone besides my psychologist and parents to talk about my concern and share my insecurities, I wish that I can be stronger and tougher to handle this myself and not to be selfish in the sense that relying on others too much expecting them to understand me and always be by my side.

 

A piece of advice for every friend of mine,

Meditate for 5 minutes every day to remind yourself how blessed you are to be able to live in this world that is full of love from your friends and family and full of flexibility and creativity which enables you to write your life story.

 

Till next time. with love 🙂

 

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1st post after exam :)

Hi, im back hehe. IM REALLY SORRY FOR ABANDONING MY BLOG for so many days. Trust me, I want to update my blog but Im really stuck with my studies, because I tell myself ” LEE JIAJING, you must get enough sleep and never burn midnight oil for this semester exam week” I even aimed to go workout during my exam week. Obviously, I failed. hahahah. k laugh k laugh somemore. Wait wait, before you laugh, lemme tell you smtg, I still manage to achieve smtg during my exam week, I didnt drink coffee at all during these four days of exam. YASS. hashtag achievement. But, it’s quite disappointing that I still get headache when I woke up this morning. It gets more intense in the afternoon after my nap. I need to take a pill to ease the pain.

Oh yea, i rmb in my previous post I mentioned that i will update about my thesis. Funny thing happened lol. I met my mentor and I asked her if the marks for my thesis will get deducted or not, I rmb-ed she said smtg and I did answer her. When she left, I tried to recall what answer she gave me and I totally couldn’t rmb anything she said, wtf, I had the memory capacity of a goldfish, literally. So, I email-ed the module coordinator to find out whether my marks will get deducted or not cuz I’m too embarrassed my mentor again lol. The reply i got was ” can you provide any proof that you passed up your thesis on that day?” To be honest, I felt offended a lil (cant imagine im still not trusted even tho I have been behaving well throughout these three years). But when I think from another aspect, she cant help me without any proof even tho she believe in me that I didnt submit it late (it’s about being fair). Fortunately, I passed up my thesis with my coursemate (my luck isnt that bad eventually), so my friend can be my witness. And this matter ends with my friend sending a formal email to the module coordinator mentioning she can prove that I did pass up my thesis before due date.

Moving on.

My study week at my house was a disaster.

It’s rude to say this, but I felt regret for going back to my house at botanic for my study week. I had food every hour every day, for a week plus. (almost ten days) and I gained 3 kg within 10 days . WTFFFFFF. WTFFFF. it’s depressing, but at the same time, i cant afford feeling bad for it because if im worried that if i try to control it, it will affect my mood and my mind to study. As i mentioned earlier, when my urge to eat comes, my mind will be completely occupied by food and I cant fully focus on other important stuff that Im supposed to focus on. Im really afraid that this will ruin my study week, seriously, and I totally give up to fight with it so i just give in every time the urge hits me. I ended up eating every hour. Lemme show u an example of record sheet on one of the day during my study week.

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To be honest, during my study week, I feel like shit everyday, I lost control with my eating pattern, I lost the sense of binge-ing, I eat so frequently and with the large amount of food every hour, im not sure whether im binge-ing or not. I felt like i was giving up on myself at that time, I dont feel like a human/ a living organism at all. Without sound mind, I felt more like a zombie (eat, study, sleep, repeat). I dont allow myself to have a moment of mental breakdown, i just numb myself with food and lecture notes ( but I still have a few moments of major mental breakdown). Once on last last last Thursday (11/5/2017), another one on last last Monday and another one was on last last Tuesday which I had a huge argument with my mum. But i felt so much better when I visited Sping (my psychologist) on Friday of that week. ( I PROMISE I WILL UPDATE ABOUT MY RECENT TWO VISITS TO THE PSYCHOLOGY CENTER IN MY NEXT POST or maybe in my next next post).

Another reason that make me feel sick during my study week was that I felt sleepy and tired very often and very easily. I cant figure out the exact reason but I tried to list out a few. However I cant decide which is the main reason. So I felt sleepy very easily, possible reasons are:

  1. I strained my eyes too much for looking at my laptop for long hours. ( I like the feeling of studying from my laptop eventho i have the hardcopy of lecture note with me)
  2. I eat almost every hour, im not sure whether you know anot, when you finished eating, when digestion occurs, your body system tend to pump more blood to your gastrointestinal tract rather than other body parts. When your brain gets less blood, you feel dizzy. Thats why people always feel sleepy when they finished their meal (especailly lunch).
  3. I dont get enough sleep. During my study week, I always sleep at 1-2am and I tend to shorten my sleeping time just to have more time to study, so i will purposely set alarm to wake myself at 4, den another alarm at 5, 6, 7, etc. So when I sleep back after the first alarm, i will wake up again when the next alarm rings. And i get even tired because of that.

and yes, thats all about my study week.

My study week was boring, cuz I dont hang out with people at all, I dont go to nice places to study this semester and i just stayed at house as much as I can. I dont leave my house unless I need to go out for family dinner and breakfast (sometimes) during weekend or I crave for something. I dont usually study at a fixed place, i have a weird habit of switching places once in awhile (study and/or sleeping). During this study week, I ve been switching spots to study ( reading table, living room, dining table, my grandma’s room, my room and my elder brother’s room). Ohhhh, i just remembered, I even studied in the toilet of my own room lol. HAHAHAHA. every one has their own weird behavior, heh.

I guess I should stop here.

I need to start making plans for my sem break so that my sem break is more fruitful and interesting.

 

Till next time, peepo. 🙂

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Joke.

Thesis resubmission?!

Are you kidding me?!

So last Friday I was informed by my mentor that the staff in academic services didn’t receive my thesis. I was like WTF, are you serious?! The due date is last Thursday, I will never be irresponsible brat who does last minute work or survives through late submission. NEVER, that will never be me. Through this incidence, I get to see how irresponsible and how inefficient the management system in my university.

First of all, my mentor asked me to inform Dr. Tan (the research project module coordinator) that I didn’t pass up my thesis late and to ask her what I should do with it. Then, Dr. Tan replied, “Please sort this out with Academic Services/ Exam Unit.” Ok, fine.

This morning ( Monday morning), I came to the Academic Services and as I have expected, the answer I got was ” Did you submit? Where did you submit? Did you happen to put into the wrong pigeon hole? We really went through the whole stack of reports, we really cannot find your thesis. Do you have extra copy of it?”

My answer was “Yes, of course I ve submitted, I submitted it on that day itself in the morning. My coursemate and I, we submitted together, if I put it wrongly, my coursemate should have lost her thesis as well, but this isn’t the case.” At that time, I was thinking ” there are only 2 ways my thesis will go missing, either someone hates me and want to sabotage me, so he/she took away my thesis OR the staff-in-charge misplaced my thesis” No matter what, WHY AM I THE ONE WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR SOMETHING WHICH I DID NOTHING WRONG WTF WTF WTF.

I REALLY DONT FUCKING UNDERSTAND THIS.

Eventually, I have to spend extra 26.80 to reprint and rebind my thesis (LUCKILY ITS NOT THE FORMAL HARD COVER VERSION OF THESIS which costs 2-3 times higher than the money that I pay for just one copy and I have to prepare 2 copies). And the trouble doesn’t just end here, FUCK, I have to find both my supervisor and co-supervisor to resign for the declaration form in my thesis. If you are a student in IMU, you will probably understand the troublesome it is to meet the lecturer unless you are attending her class so you can straight away meet her after the class.

I was so pissed off and angry, and I feel emotionally imbalanced (which made me cry after I talked to the staff from academic services department) (it was damn embarassing). Anyway, after few hours of calming myself down, I feel much better now.

Im going to meet my mentor now, I’m still not sure whether my marks for thesis will get deducted or not, I FKING HOPE NOT, if not, Im going to go through another huge wave of emotional complex.

Will update about this tmr.

Even though Im not having a good day today, but I hope you are.

Till next time, love.

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It’s your day.

I’m not going to talk about the yellow washing machine.

Waking up at 6, or maybe 7, but sleeps at 12

I wonder if you gets enough sleep.

I wonder, what drives you to go forward everyday

I rarely voice out this thought that I had since long long time ago.

Through numerous stories from the outside,

Inside of me will never stop thinking how blessed I am.

With an open mind,

I discover and familiarise myself with the unknowns in the absence of barriers and rules

I catch small fish beside the drain outside my house

Not knowing there are scary creatures swimming around, until I see one.

I started to watch movies when I was 9 while some of them were wishing they were me.

With the encouragement of exploring the unknown while you can and are able to,

I visited places which are 2944 miles far away from me.

Unfortunately, as I grow up,

I discover dark holes inside me

In the meantime of drowning in the pool of misery, worthlessness and emotional swing

This dark hole widens and deepens itself.

It’s not a new hole but it may be a surprise to you.

While I was trying to fill up the growing dark hole,

While I was thinking I’m fighting this alone,

You are there, pouring me with unconditional love,

Not through words but with actions.

You are my pillar of support

That I know will never crumble.

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Can someone put this into a song?

Quiet,

Be quiet,

You thought that being quiet, you won’t disturb him.

You thought you know him.

But he screams when you try to be quiet the next time.

Is he gonna leave?

Or is he living here like his own home?

can we ever make peace?

you scream, you laugh, you cry, you cringe

Sometimes I cant see hope in your eyes.

your emotion is like a swing, moving with the wind.

It can be high up into the sky, it can stop moving at times.

Looking in the mirror, you say ” tomorrow will be a new start ”

And tomorrow never come.

You see, It’s a cycle,

a cycle of disgust, frustration, depression, fear, anger and anxiety.

One day when you think that you can ride away from the cycle

But you re in the cycle the next hour.

Not one, not two, but countless questions of why and how

One, two , three and I lost count.

I wish counting them helps,

but still, they are left unanswered.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I guess, I dont wish to have 3 birthday wishes, my only birthday wish is to be free from this dark hole.

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情绪急转弯

眼睛肿肿的,好看吗?

放心的大哭,豪迈吗?

歇斯底里地呐喊,爽快吗?

今早还好好的, 还很骄傲地说自己进步了, 怎么, 变化来得那么快?

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10/5/2017

Now it has become a habit of mine to watch youtube videos before I sleep. Recently, I just realised that It’s even more comfortable to do that in my hostel living room. hahhaa. because usually when I watch videos in my hostel room, I will switch off all the lights and adjust my laptop lights to 0% but it is still too bright for me and I’m quite worried about my eyes. But when i switch place to the living room, I can turn on the lights in the dining area, so its not too dark and not too bright in the living room, I can watch videos without worrying that my vision will get harmed. And it’s so convenient that I don need to switch off the lights because the brightness of the environment is on point that I have no problem sleeping. I guess, Im going to sleep in the living room until I finish my final examination heheeh.

Moving on,

Everyday, I have task to accomplish before I end my day with youtube videos and sufficient sleep, which is to fill up my self monitoring sheet. Basically, I just need to fill in what I ate for the day and what’s my thought/comment/feeling during/before/after the particular meal. I’m supposed to record it after every meal instead of recording it after the day. But, I didnt do it la, cuz i think it’s really not convenient for me and I think that my compliance can be maintained better if i just record my thoughts and feelings one shot at the end of the day. Nevertheless, I will still record what I ate after every meal or I will take photo of my meal so that I rmb every detail of the meal when I record after that. In case you are curious how does my self monitoring sheet look like, here is it.

This is the example of my self monitoring sheet for yesterday.

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yep, read it, you will know how little things can trigger my urge to eat, you will know how little things can make me struggle inside.

 

I think I should update my self recording sheet here more often, as a record for myself ( cuz I will pass this sheet to my psychologist and I dont think i can get it back) and this gives my readers more insight of me ( if you re interested to know about me and care for me) blablabla.

 

Till next time 🙂

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